Had you told me this is a Disney film I wouldn’t have watched it.
Hubby
Oh my, did I wait for Jungle Cruise to be finally released. The Rock and Emily Blunt on a steamboat journey along the Amazonas river. WCGW? A lot could go wrong! And a lot did indeed go wrong.
So what did go wrong exactly?
The first scene in London’s museum, shows already this is gonna be a silly flick, with lots of slapstick, aimed at a very young audience. Not only younger than hubby but also younger than me … and probably even younger than you, dear readers. And it also exposes Blunt’s weakness: She’s not a comedienne. In fact didn’t she even manage to deliver one single funny scene.
Then we are on the mighty Amazon river and see Frank (Johnson) and his steamboat in action, scamming hapless tourists. He does it well, the scene is relatively funny with lots of small giggles and Johnson is in his element. The scenes with his antagonist Nilo (Paul Giamatti) are ok-ish silly and full of action and so-so comedy.
Sole real stand-out in the cast was Jesse Plemons as mad German U-boat commander. He understood his role as a slapstick figure and played it to satisfaction.
It all falls apart when Lily Houghton (Blunt) and her snobbish brother MacGregor (Jack Whitehall) enter the scene. Whitehall acts like a doofus, although the scripts doesn’t provide him with funny material. And the fact that he’s obviously a flaming homo can’t be mentioned in a Disney movie. Fukn incompetent … and cowardish. They robbed themselves of a lot of jokes, which is another reason why H-wood goes down so rapidly. It didn’t even need a fukn pandemic. ๐
Although it’s fast paced action and a lot of wisecracks and stupid talking, we didn’t feel the spark. And that’s not even Blunt’s fault. She’s a terrific actress, and a more competent director had known how to use her and set her in scene. Jaume Collet-Serra obviously lost control pretty early in the plot. With just a tad more experience and talent he would have known that all the little studio bosses at Disney and a gang of no less than 7 screenwriters aren’t a good sign for the success of a major movie project. Jungle Cruise was let down by a tone-deaf screenplay and probably a lot of petty infights.
Yeah, let’s talk about the screenplay: The backstory with the cursed Spanish conquistadors was even for hubby and me too deep and confused. Watching this as a 6 – 10 y/o must have been sooo fukn boring. We all know that the Spaniards were a truly awful lot, making their story funny in any way needs a lot of Monty Python-esque humour. All Hollywood could do was turning the Jungle Cruise into a silly but humourless B-flick.
Was I the only duped audience member thinking we would see something as utterly charming as Bogart and Hepburn in 1951’s The African Queen? That was a river cruise well done!
EDIT: The Pitch Meeting video is already on YouTube:
Thar She Blows! 
I checked out when I saw the hat The Rock is wearing in the film. Reminded me of Popeye. The few teaser clips I saw only made it worse. 0.0 interest in this film!!
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I’ve only, seen one teaser,where the Rock swings along the boat and tells bullshit stories to the tourists. That and the announcement of Emily Blunt and I was sold. Too bad that what I saw was already the best part of the whole flick. ๐ฎ
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I loved the DLand ride and never knew any story with it. The best part is all the really bad jokes the ride operators tell. If they made that into a movie, I’d see it.
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Oooh, that’s reflected in the movie. In the first scenes of the Rock driving tourists around he’s doing bad pun after bad pun and some shenanigans. As I said this for me was the highlight of the whole movie. Cheesy up the wazoo, questionably funny but at least no interference by a bad Pirates of the Carribean/Mummy plot.
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After yesterday’s announcement, by DLand, of changes to the annual pass system…which included a tidbit about thereafter being approx 1M passholders, at $460-$1,300/yr… I’m not eager to give the Disney franchise more revenue. I don’t have the channel and won’t pay to stream.
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No reason to give them any of your hard-earned casherolas:
https://yts.mx/movies/jungle-cruise-2021
Don’t forget to activate your VPN before attempting any illegal activities! Not every country gives you the amazing freedoms we take for granted in South Africa.
BTW: Disney is one of the studios I have no bad conscience about stealing their content. I still make my way to the cold and uncomfy and wayyyy too loud cinema and watch each and every shitty Star Wars crapflick. Often even twice. And without hubby since he refuses to watch Star Wars ever since Solo. I suffered enough, dontcha think?
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Lol… I used tobe an artist so I don’t pirate. But I appreciate the thought and link!
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/me feels bad now.Naughty bad girl Orca. ๐ฆ
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LOL. Everyome’s free to do as they please!!
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Yes, and it pleases me to feel guilty now. ๐
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Another movie I will never see. TG you saved me from it. Actually that’s super easy. Barely an inconvenience. I do love those movie pitches though, hahaha.
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I need one of those โsuper easy barelyโฆโ t-shirts.
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[…] always trying to prove she’s worthy of a cartoon character role, Johnson’s latest Jungle Cruise was a disaster and aren’t we all tired of Reynold’s perma blabbermouth in every role he […]
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[…] itself. Let’s get to the most pressing question right away: Yes, the Lost City is better than Jungle Cruise. Lots better. Better in all […]
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