O@tM: Godzilla vs Kong

Oy vey! 😦

Legends collide as Godzilla and Kong, the two most powerful forces of nature, clash on the big screen in a spectacular battle for the ages. As a squadron embarks on a perilous mission into fantastic uncharted terrain, unearthing clues to the Titans’ very origins and mankind’s survival, a conspiracy threatens to wipe the creatures, both good and bad, from the face of the earth forever. Written by Warner Bros.

The two main characters

After the stupid Godzilla (2014), which wasn’t a part of this trilogy, the pretty nice and humouristic Kong: Skull Island (2017), followed by the catastrophically bad Godzilla: King of the Monsters (2019) we were waiting with bated breath for this final chapter of the monster saga.

RL deaf-mute Kaylee Hottle delivered the best and most interesting story arc of the whole flick

And we got to see a fairly underwhelming CGI spectacle featuring two gigantic CGI monsters beating the crap out of each other for nearly half of the flick’s runtime, which looks spectacular but is boring af after a couple minutes. Either that or hubby and me are just too old for this shit. Which sounds weird, since men usually can never be too old for anything, particularly not for movies of any sort. But I noticed how his eyes took on this hazy glimmer of someone being very very bored, losing focus and slowly falling asleep. But he made it thru the whole flick with a minimum of snoring sounds. Good man. 😉

HOTTEST NEWNESS! King Kong is the same size as Godzilla!

Me, I had to stay focused. For the blog. FOR YOU! But I guess I wouldn’t have missed anything if I, too, had dosed off one or the other time. Because – CAREFUL, SPOILER ALERT! – both our monsters make it out of the story alive and well!

Mechazilla was no match for a united Gojira/Kong tag team!

Okay, that is basically all there is to say about this culmination of three hyped up, overly expensive B-movies. The storylines were borrowed and stitched together from other, better, movies, the dialogue was sparse and mostly stupid, the handsome cast underutilized and all the additional monsters were wasted and didn’t have any impact on the main fight.

Millie Bobby Brown leads the Scooby Doo brigade

So what remained was just two brainless CGI monsters getting at it, the human stories were cheap and ineffective, the main villain had the wurstest motive evarrr! And Kong and Gojira, now with the power of the union, killed his mechagodzilla. Ok, done! In the end our two contrahents acknowledge each other with a knowing glance of the other and then go their merry ways. The human cast is still as stupid as in the beginning … and so is the disappointed audience. :/

The flick looked gorgeous … which is no wonder when everything is made in a computer. 😐

Cool, this was a short review and, honestly, GvK doesn’t deserve any more words or thoughts. When even a cheap little popcorn action flick leaves you speechless because it is so bad why talk about the wasted human cast? When not even Alexander Skarsgård, Millie Bobby Brown and Kyle Chandler can get you excited, why talk about this shit at all?

These Pop Funko figures are more entertaining than the movie itself. 😮

VERDICT: Monster movies are supposed to give us cheap thrills, edge of the seat moments and deliver fun all around. The concept is simple, the cinematographic technicques well known and often used to great effect. So why wasn’t Warner Bros able to give us even a slight giggle or Awe! or Ooooh! when they had a budget of roundabout 200 millions to play with? Compared to the last Godzilla movie and this one Kong: Skull Island, a B-movie which didn’t ever wanted to be more than a B-flick, was cineastic gold!

Now let’s all say it together with Marie Kondo …

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