O@tM: Monster Hunter

Dunno why but I somehow felt like I needed another fix of Milla …

Orca partially watched this so you don’t have to

When Lt. Artemis and her loyal soldiers are transported to a new world, they engage in a desperate battle for survival against enormous enemies with incredible powers. Feature film based on the video game by Capcom.

Don’t we just love it when not even the film’s producers can’t be bothered to get the most simple facts straight? I dunno about the game but in the movie Artemis is a captain, not just a lieutenant. What does it tell us about the quality of this Milla Jovovich vehicle? Mhm, yes, it’s a typical Paul W.S. Anderson film and really that bad!

No idea if Anderson – never to be confused with Wes Anderson, oh god, nooo! – has always been such a poor hack of a director or if he fell under the spell of his insanely sexy sorcerer spouse (Milla herfuknself) and lost all his senses. At least that is what my husband always uses as an excuse when I catch him doing something stupid. 😦 I guess this is the curse of us wonderful elfish creatures, we just can’t get averagely gifted and intelligent husbandos but have to deal with the Stan and Ollies. 😦

But I digress. Let’s talk about this movie for a while, ok? I mean there’s not much to say about it, other than it’s really, really not good. So we should be done with this review in no time. Milla plays against Tony Jaa, who does a reasonably good job as co-star in a more or less silent role. Doesn’t matter, the script didn’t care about any romantic relationship in the first place and Mr. Jaa is a martial artist, and that’s pretty much all he’s allowed to do.

I noticed Ron Perlman is in this trainwreck, too. Ron fucking Perlman! Unbelievable in what kind of dreck and schmutz he’s showing up lately. Does he still need to bolster his bank account before retiring for good? Tho artistically, he didn’t do himself any favour by participating in this botch.

The rest of the cast are a bunch of nobodies, which doesn’t matter. All the boiz n gurlz were good enough to say or shout or grunt their lines, and then their digital stunt doubles died for them. Oh, btw, digital: The quality of the CGI is so and so. Sometimes really good and convincing and punching in far above its paygrade … and sometimes as cheap as expected from a B-flick like this.

Well, B-movie doesn’t mean it’s automatically gonna be a bad film; absolutely not. And Monster Hunter, for the most part, didn’t look cheap at all. Production design, lighting, all ok. And I’ve seen many very entertaining non-stupid B-movies in my lifetime. And cheaply produced, but engaging indy flicks as well. Unfortunately Monster Hunter doesn’t fall into this category. It is, as one would expect from a film made after a video game, stupid, stupid and stupid!

I can live with stupid. No problem. If done competently and entertaining and with just a little bit of brain and self awareness, I can live with stupid quite well. But Anderson is such a hopeless case as a director, I lost interest very soon, and when Perlman entered the screen I was fast asleep, slobbering all over my keyboard. I don’t know why bad directors think that many hectic cuts are keeping us on the edge of our seats. It’s quite the contrary, at least one senseless cut per second, and nothing shown in full is just tiring and unsatisfactory. And the enemy, giant worms and fire-breathing dragons, aren’t anything one would think about for a second. They pose no intellectual threat and don’t need to be conquered and outmanoeuvred with logic. They behave like very primitive wild animals. Coz that’s what they are. And Milla can empty millions of cartridges into their bellies, they won’t even notice. And BAM!, another dead cgi soldier. Yes, my children, the action really is on the same level of amusing as I describe it. 😦

CONCLUSION: Shitflick!


    • I guess it wasn’r initially made for Netflix. But as a 2020 flick they obviously saw no other solution than placing it in Netflix’ caring hands … to die. 😦 And that was actually the best thing that could happen to this sad excuse for a film. 😦
      Well, at least it features Milla! πŸ™‚


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