O@tM: Maleficent: Mistress of Evil

No, really no disrepect. I love Angelina like the next girl, and I love almost every movie she ever was in …

MaleficientEvilPoster
Mistress of silly cartoonish evil

Five peaceful years have passed since the demise of the duplicitous monarch, King Stefan, in Maleficent (2014), and, now, an unforeseen but joyous event is about to unite the mortal Kingdom of Ulstead and the fairy-realm of the enchanted Moors. However, once more, odious treason stands in the way of true young love, as malicious envy, unbounded ambition, and ignoble thoughts creep in the hearts of men. Now, two neighbouring worlds find themselves divided by fear and prejudice, and, sadly, the impending union paves the way for an all-out confrontation. Suddenly, the magnificent winged sprite, Maleficent, and the lovely Princess Aurora are caught in the middle. Does love always end well?

Written by Nick Riganas

IMDb: 6.8

Rest assured, Rick Riganas, in this Disney flick, like in every other Disney flick love does indeed end well. Even the cartoon villain Queen Ingrith (Michelle Pfeiffer) survives the showdown, even if with a – well-deserved – slightly altered physique. 😉

Michelle Pfeiffer, Angelina Jolie, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Elle Fanning, Ed Skrein, and Harris Dickinson in Maleficent: Mistress of Evil (2019)
Elle Fanning is kinda cute but too fugly to be a Sleeping Beauty

Okayyyy, the movie. Yeah, wanted to write a well-meaning review and got blaaah blaaah blubb CGI blablablabla eco terorists blubberbla dark fae blablaplop King of Stupid Town beeeh bla blubb more CGI hullabulla peepapo silly CGI creatures doobeedee palump ugly CGI dramaaaaaa! blablablabla Unfunny humour blablablablabluuu undramatic drama blablablablableh betreyal by evil queen almost killing most hated dentist in the UK (Robert Lindsay). BloooBleeeBlaaawb! To war, to war, to war we wanna go! BlobbBlibbBlaab Lightweight, impactless, good looking action for ramontic little girls BeeBlaaawBlooob! Happy End! BaaaaaawblaaawBlaaaawb More CGI!

Elle Fanning and Harris Dickinson in Maleficent: Mistress of Evil (2019)
Aurora of the moors and Prince Phülüp (Harris Sonofadick)

Yes, yes, oké, Mistress of Evil was a lot better than the really really super bad first attempt. But that doesn’t mean much as the hurdle was set soooo low. But it was still sooo fukn boring! From what hubby told me I’ve spent half the movie’s runtime snoring away here at my editorial desk … still didn’t miss anything of consequence.

Angelina Jolie and Sam Riley in Maleficent: Mistress of Evil (2019)
Malefix and her magic raven Diarval (Sam Riley) who was as inconsequential as all the other figures

And where was the promised mud wrestling contest Angelina vs Michelle? I’m disappointed. The ladies too old now and their robes too precious to be made dirty? No, really, sharp dialogue will never be a replacement for physical action, people! We’re talking film here, not a fukn book!

(Anti)human queen gets surprise by drama fae

At least in the short while Malefuck spends in exile at the Dark Faes’s cave, Angelina appears a bit like topless … but only since she’s wearing skin-coloured bandages. 😦

Booo!

Not a film for horny lesbians. No, not at all. 😮

Maleficent: Mistress of Evil (2019)
Everybody’s horny and all set up for some sexy action but gets no satisfaction. Ooooh, that kinda rhymes. 😉

So what do we make of a movie that over a majority of its runtime is preparing and setting out for a monumental battle hoomans vs fantasy creatures but never gets around to it? What do we make of a flick that has decided to be more of a character study, in which all the characters are as flat as the stickers they are based on? What do we make of a dialogue-driven movie, in which most key characters are kinda deaf-mutes?

Angelina Jolie and Elle Fanning in Maleficent: Mistress of Evil (2019)
The movie can never decide what it wants to be. Dark and grey or upbeat and colourful. Of course it fails at both.

And while Ingrith spins her primitive-aggro drivel, Malefuckent just sneers, doesn’t say a word … and flies away.

Really?

Girlfriend, you had your chance to say something really meaningful, utter some lighthearted insults or something unbelievably arrogant. But you react like a little bratty girl caught red-handed stealing cookies from the jar. You just bugger off. You act like a coward!

Movie, you missed your chance to be acceptably good!

FFS!

Maleficent: Mistress of Evil (2019)
Swamp things fae storming the citadel … coz invitation to party. It’s a trap you stupid things! Hoomans haz magic mosquito spray. =^.^=

If your answer was “Fuk dat shit!” I guess you was right. Congratz on your basic media decoding skillz and your wonderful good taste in film. I love y’all! Ya no I only watched this kiddie crap so you don’t have to and can spend the rest of your lives with one less bad memory. Great self-sacrifice service by your editrix, no?

Looks very dramatic, as if something important was going on, right? Naaw, just eye-candy. 😦

Wanna no what went wrong with the Malefficient films (yes, both of ’em!)?

If your answer is “They was made by the Disney” it’s a bingo!

For a short moment there I thought … But noes! :/

In detail it is like the mouses are sooooo fuking sworn in on kiddy entertainment they are not allowing themselves to produce shit of real high quality. No matter how many multibillion woolongs they stuff into their film budgets, they are restricted to serve braindamaged toddlers instead of real audiences.

Joly commandeers every scene she’s in. Imagine this movie without her: Total Stinker! Oh, but then it was already a total stinker, even with Joly in it. Oh my. 😮

As if fukn kidz would be able to pay for the movie tickets, the Blu-Rays, the toys, all the riff-raff, by themselves with their own hard-earned chocolate coins. Nope. It’s you, their suffering parents, paying for all that jazz. But you’re not allowed to expect some halfways decent entertainment? Quite the contrary, you have to witness how your clever kid gets lured into the very primitive, one-dimensional Disney universe via the power of peer pressure. 😮

Phuk dat again! And again! Andagainandagainandagainandagainandagain…

Like the dark angel of revenge! Ya, if only. 😦 Angie’s just on a flight of pleasure. All just eye-candy without any action and consequence.

Let’s see how badly Orca missed the general reviewing consensus this time:

No, okay, cool. Mark is on my side. But then he’s not a Yucking Fankee. :/

Playfae Centerfold of the month! Dream on, dreamer.

“Not a bad movie, but not a good one either.”

Michelle Pfeiffer, Angelina Jolie, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Robert Lindsay, Elle Fanning, and Harris Dickinson in Maleficent: Mistress of Evil (2019)
Meanders between “Shitlord of the Cockrings” and “Minnie Mouse’s Colourful Adventures in Fairytale Land”, misses both objectives by at least 12 parsecs. 😦

 

 

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s