Star Wars: Rise of Skywalker

Long have I waited for your return, my young padawans!

Now the time has arrived to join Shit Lord Orca on the Dork Side of the Farce.

Better than predicted – still shit
Mark Hamill and Daisy Ridley in Star Wars: Episode IX - The Rise of Skywalker (2019)
Light sabers are not for girls!

The surviving Resistance faces the First Order once more in the final chapter of the Skywalker saga.

IMDb: 6.9

Star Wars: Episode IX - The Rise of Skywalker (2019)
They are not really evil, just bad at their job

Hello, first let me start with a disclaimer: This ain’t a regular O@tM review, for that we gotta wait until Fall of Skywalker Blu-Rays become available in the troubled waters of a certain bay. I’m coming fresh from the movie theatre were I paid my sacrificial 118 South African Repooblic Woolongs to the Disney empire. So this can’t be more than my first, unreflected impressions. In fact did I just let the whole shitshow flow over me and went with it. Or at least I tried to.

Daisy Ridley in Star Wars: Episode IX - The Rise of Skywalker (2019)
Leia wore the hoodie with more grace and poise

Noticed the very very short storyline on the IMDb page? When the makers themselves, or their marketing agency, don’t have any  more to say about their newest wondermovie,  the chosen one to save the Star Wars franchise, that tells me already something isn’t quite right with the product. There is no confidence in their own story. And how could they have, how could they give us a bit longer synopsis, if the whole movie was changed up to the very last minute?

Daisy Ridley in Star Wars: Episode IX - The Rise of Skywalker (2019)
Rei has a bad day at the office

Considering all the problems they had, particularly that hack Jar Jar Abrams, the final product turned out better than it had any right to be. I guess Jar Jar made the right decision by mostly ignoring everything that happned in Episode VIII: The Last Jedi.

Daisy Ridley in Star Wars: Episode IX - The Rise of Skywalker (2019)
*Phew phew!*

They indeed managed to tie up many of the loose ends, answering some of our questions. Even if not always in a satisfactory manner. But that would’ve been too gigantic a task after roundhead Ruin Johnson had navigated the franchise in a cul-de-sac with no legal escape.

Star Wars: Episode IX - The Rise of Skywalker (2019)
Droid cuteness

All that aside, we all have heard the stories countless times and made up our own minds, we know the conflicts among the crew, the lack of concise leadership and knowledge of their own lore. All that considered, and with adjusted expectations Rise of Skywalker turned out better than feared and expected.

John Boyega and Daisy Ridley in Star Wars: Episode IX - The Rise of Skywalker (2019)
Look like SJW snowflakes discovering a problematic situation. Okay, good! Thank you.

Yes, it was a bonafide shitshow! Illogical, tonally wrong, cheesy … but it was also a grand spectacle! I’ve heard the original version was about 4.5 hours long and was cut back to 2.5 hours, a questionable decision if you ask me. The whole movie felt rushed, didn’t give us a second to take it in, think and reflect.

Daisy Ridley and Joonas Suotamo in Star Wars: Episode IX - The Rise of Skywalker (2019)
Chewie was the only crybaby when Leia dieded. He threw an awkwardly sad little hissyfit and all the others were like “Ok boomer. Whatev”.

I know Jar Jar Abrams had  a very difficult job at hand but he showed us his blatant weakness as a director. He never knows when to step on the pedal and when to ease off. And many of the edits were done so haphazardly, the whole flick appeared more like a kalaidoscopa than a real movie with a story to tell and a traditional arc of suspense. Abrams was just ticking off boxes of a list … and it shows.

One of the many unexplained dream/trip sequences. No idea what they are smoking these days in Hollywood

Which is a funky shame since RoS was a very pretty film, expertly made in singular scenes, and even the acting was a bit above high school production level but nothing really wanted to gel together. The big picture didn’t show.

Anthony Daniels, Oscar Isaac, Brian Herring, Dave Chapman, John Boyega, Daisy Ridley, and Joonas Suotamo in Star Wars: Episode IX - The Rise of Skywalker (2019)
Buncha snowflakes on problematic class trip

For that we put the blame squarely on Kathleen Kennedy’s shoulders. How could she entrust such a giant project like the third trilogy of the Skywalker Saga on Jar Jar Abrams? That guy is the director’s equivalent to a popularist politician, always looking for the easiest solutions, the biggest common denominator, but having not a single creative spark in himself. Kennedy neither. So we almost need to applaud Johnson for breaking with the past and trying to find a unique, new way.

Carnival is in town. Let’s go and get candy floss 😉

But only almost, since his methods and interpretation are fukshitty shit. He’s the complete opposite of Abrams and how Kennedy could have hired both of them fuckers and expected them to play nice together and come up with a grand trilogy is beyond me.


And how they could just ignore the ready-made screenplays for a trilogy by old-master George Lucas himfuknself, but were too stupid to come up with anything better … and then just starting to shoot, without even a finished treatment and nothing but rough, always changing, outlines …

/me brain assplodes. 😮

Kylo Ren and Rei just won’t play nice. Just like Abrams and Johnson

Okay, my first careful CONCLUSION:

RoS is a shitshow. But a pretty one. And when watched in the cinema even quite impressive. And when you leave the theatre, like, 10 minutes early, you might even not be embarrassed about your SW fan-status. Because, let’s face it, the last quarter hour of RoS is pure cringe. 😮

Old Palpatine’s fleet of imperial star destroyers. Don’t ask me where he acquired them.




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