O@tM: Jurassic World – Fallen Kingdom

JuraPoster
Dinosaur Rescue Center

Three years after the Jurassic World theme park was closed down, Owen and Claire return to Isla Nublar to save the dinosaurs when they learn that a once dormant volcano on the island is active and is threatening to extinguish all life there. Along the way, Owen sets out to find Blue, his lead raptor, and discovers a conspiracy that could disrupt the natural order of the entire planet. Life has found a way, again.

IMDb: 6.4

Bryce Dallas Howard and Justice Smith in Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2018)
I have a bad feeling about this film …

First I gotta ask for your forgiveness as I didn’t make it all the way through this flick but fell asleep in the middle of the action. I know one shouldn’t write a review under those circumstances but since I don’t plan on ever rewatching Jurassic World, I guess this is all I got … and what you’ll get as well.

Bryce Dallas Howard, Chris Pratt, and Justice Smith in Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2018)
An erupting volcano plus mega lizards … and nothing that grabs you or makes you bite your nails

Secondly, Hooray! or Aaaw shucks, depending on your taste in women’s shoes, Bryce Dallas Howard changes from her trademark heels into more sensible hiking boots when the group arrives on the enchanted island.

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2018)
Whoa! Computers have really evolved, haven’t they?

Thirdly, don’t you all think we know that Life will, uh, find a way by now? So, was it really necessary to warm up that stale joke, which isnt even a joke, again?

Bryce Dallas Howard, Chris Pratt, Daniella Pineda, and Justice Smith in Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2018)
Nobody knows why there are two more inconsequential kidz, playing scientists, in this flick

Ok, that’s basically it. Thx for reading, cyall laterz, byeeee…

Toby Jones and Rafe Spall in Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2018)
Of course no catastrophe movie without a pair of bumbling idiot bad guys (Toby Jones and Rafe Spall)

No, wait. Got more to say. I wasn’t just bored out of my skull with this shitshow, I was also a little bit angry. See, we didn’t plan on watching Fallen Kingdom in the first place but a couple days ago, while waiting for new Blu-ray releases, Hubby finally caved in and decided we gotta watch the lizards going wild, so we (partly) watched it.

Ted Levine, Paul Sockett, Jeremy Gilbert, Andrew Okello, and Mitchell L. Johnson in Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2018)
Not really bad guys, just mercenaries … or bad actors pretending to be badass mercs

People, this ain’t a real movie. Despite it’s H-wood budget, lots of CGI and Chris Pratt, it’s just a money-grabbing machine, the most unnecessary part of a franchise that should never have become a franchise. Let’s look back at the first Jurassic movie: Why was it so legendary? Mostly the – back then – gorgeous CGI. The rest was more or less a standard catastrophy film with 2 more or less stupid af kids, accompanied by bumbling idiot scientists. Nothing great apart from the lizards.

Ted Levine and Daniella Pineda in Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2018)
It takes a teenage scientist to figure out those vials contain sleepin… Zzzzrrrr…

And from that original film on, it went downhill. With every re-iteration the dino empire became more silly and hit the ground with an uncomfortable Splash! in the last movie, Jurassic World (2015). That thing (incl. Ms Howard’s heels) was so bad, we really hoped it was the last time we had to witness overhyped CGI lizards on screen. But no, they really did it again! H-wood knows no shame anymore, do they?

Bryce Dallas Howard and Justice Smith in Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2018)
See? I fukn told ya I had a bad feeling about this shameless travesty

CONCLUSION: Same crap….people doing ridiculously stupid things getting killed by dinosaurs. Alien covenant level stupidity. Superfluous, uh, will find a way … in Hollywood.

Daniella Pineda in Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2018)
Now I really really want one of those cute af Save the Dinos! T-Shirts

WATCH IT: No. No!

Those shirts … I wonder if they go with chic heels?

WHAT DID THE CLEVER YT-CRITICS THINK?

Let’s get the usual Stuckmann and Jahn out of the way first, shall we? Brace yourself:

Bryce Dallas Howard and Chris Pratt in Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2018)

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2018)

Now squeeky Grace:

Bryce Dallas Howard, Chris Pratt, and Justice Smith in Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2018)

And now The Shit from Brit:

That’s it. You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.

What? Hmmm, I know you all’ve waited for it so … okayyyyyy…

 

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