O@tM: Tomb Raider (2018)

Look what the cat dropped into my multimedia compartment …

TombRaiderPoster
Welcome to SJW millenial Lara Croft

Lara Croft is the fiercely independent daughter of an eccentric adventurer who vanished when she was scarcely a teen. Now a young woman of 21 without any real focus or purpose, Lara navigates the chaotic streets of trendy East London as a bike courier, barely making the rent, and takes college courses, rarely making it to class. Determined to forge her own path, she refuses to take the reins of her father’s global empire just as staunchly as she rejects the idea that he’s truly gone. Advised to face the facts and move forward after seven years without him, even Lara can’t understand what drives her to finally solve the puzzle of his mysterious death. Going explicitly against his final wishes, she leaves everything she knows behind in search of her dad’s last-known destination: a fabled tomb on a mythical island that might be somewhere off the coast of Japan. But her mission will not be an easy one; just reaching the island will be extremely treacherous. Suddenly, the stakes couldn’t …

IMDb: 6.6

https://m.media-amazon.com/images/M/MV5BYmUyNGU3MmUtY2EyNy00ODgwLTk0MjAtOTk1MzA3ZWUzOGFlXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMjA1MDYyMjU@._V1_SX882_CR0,0,882,999_AL_.jpg
Look everybody, it’s Sunny from Into the Badlands (Daniel Wu).

Did you read the storyline? Okay, then you’ll know what kind of Tomb Raider you’ll get to see. Its not about the adventure, it’s about a useless young woman without a sense of humour but the undying desire to prove to the world how fiercely independent she is. Sounds dull? That’s because it is. And it doesn’t need to be. That’s what irked us most about Tomb Raider 2018.

Alicia Vikander in Tomb Raider (2018)
Young Lara has a fox on her shoulder and something to prove. Yaaawn …

Don’t get me wrong, there is an exciting story somewhere in the new Lara Croft movie. Albeit tucked away very deeply inside all the virtue signaling and statement making, it’s hard to find.

Alicia Vikander in Tomb Raider (2018)
The little bit of actual Tomb Raiding and riddle solving was done in not even 5 minutes. Hmmm …

Tomb Raider is very nicely filmed (South Africa standing in for a little Japanese island) and offers great production value. And when there is action it is competently set in scene. But there is hardly any breathtaking action. If there is it’s fisticuffs of Lara versus some physically stronger man. And all that with a heroine who doesn’t even enjoy the adventure but acts the whole time as if she can’t have fun. Ergo the audience can’t have fun either. 😦

Alicia Vikander in Tomb Raider (2018)
Why so serious?

As so often these days it’s a very weak screenplay and a weirdo director to blame for Tomb Raider being such a lame-o flick. I have no idea if it was Alicia Vikander‘s own interpretation or orders by the director, Roar Uthaug, to never smile but always be brooding and thinking and acting overall a bit verklempt. All we know is that this movie wasn’t much fun to watch.

Alicia Vikander in Tomb Raider (2018)
Look, Vikander can smile if she’s allowed to. Unfortunately it doesn’t happen very often.

Even the supposed comedic relieve parts – just cast Nick Frost and you’re good, right? – falls flat. The duo Daniel Wu/Nick Frost is more fun in Into the Badlands, a decidedly trashy TV production. Tomb Raider 2018 obviously can’t get the simplest things right.

Always good for a smile. Not so in Tomb Raider. ./

The bad guy isn’t intimidating neither. Not the least tiny little bit. Lara is a bitter bish, the quest is laughable, the riddles uninteresting, the fights uninspired. The whole flick oozes boredom out of every scene.

Alicia Vikander in Tomb Raider (2018)
Fight less, smile more!

Remember the Tomb Raider movies with Angelina Jolie in the role of our all favourite female archeologue? Yeah, no, they weren’t great movies either but very flawed poducts. But they were fun and exciting to watch, guilty pleasures if there ever was a guilty pleasure movie.

Looking at the tombs is as amazing as watching the movie.

What was the difference between Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, Tomb Raider: Cradle of Life and the new one was a very simple philosophical difference: The original Tomb Raiders had Angelina Jolie at the height of her career and at her most splendid shape and form. Where Angie was fit and sexy, poor little Alicia is just fit. Where Angelina seemed to have some fun, all the time, Alicia goes through the adventure like a day in the office.

Alicia Vikander in Tomb Raider (2018)
Yeah, the audience had the same look on our faces as Alicia Vikander.

And the old Tomb Raiders always knew where they came from. They didn’t try to be good movies per se but they were offensively cartoonish and only tried to entertain us. They used Jolie’s iconic stance when she entered a room full of bad guys, like smirking “Hello boys” and then going to town and knock them all out. That is fun! And everybody, really everybody, even us girls, wanted to have sex with her!

Alicia Vikander in Tomb Raider (2018)
“Must concentrate. No time for fun.”

Quite contrary Alicia Vikander. She too is a pretty and pretty fit girl – and we all know she can do the sexy thing as well – but obviously she wasnt’t allowed to. Because she had to prove something. We don’t know what … and we don’t care.

Alicia Vikander in Tomb Raider (2018)
“I believe I can f…all!”

Because Tomb Raider ain’t about all that SJW shit. It’s about raiding tombs ffs. And maybe a bit about saving the world. And doing so in sexy, cartoonish over the top style.

Fairly mediocre action is not enough to keep our asses glued to the seats.

It’s not Indiana Jones leading us through the adventure but a sexy young lady, pretty carefree, low maintenance, fiere and independent. It’s generally understood. Particularly among the 13 – 15 y/o male audiences. We don’t need it to be hammered in.

Alicia Vikander in Tomb Raider (2018)
Don’t like your job? Well, we don’ like your movie.

In all this super mainstream, clichéd movie the only time I had to smile a little bit was in a scene, badly copied from Tom Cruise’s Jack Reacher, when Vikander uttered the famous “Really?” … not with a wink and a grin but, like, really annoyed. Neither the screenwriters, not the no-name director, nor Vikander, most likely none of ’em did understand the concept of video game adaptations for the big screen.

That’s the movie for us: Drowning.

VERDICT: Nicely set in scene, nice iconic main character. Badly misinterpreted. As became apparant towards the end of the movie the new Vikander Lara Croft is obviously planned to become a franchise. But not like this, guys, not like this!

This Lara Croft is a Trotzköpfchen.

Watch it? Rather re-watch the campy originals. They don’t get old, they only become better with age.

The critics: Well, all these super experts obviously watched a different film, not the lame version hubby and me got to watch. :/

Alicia Vikander in Tomb Raider (2018)

Alicia Vikander in Tomb Raider (2018)

Hannah John-Kamen in Tomb Raider (2018)
One of my fave bishies, Hannah John-Kamen, was sadly underutilized in the SJW Tomb Raider. I much prefer her in the super dumb, super cheap, super trashy, super entertaining Killjoys TV series.
Walton Goggins and Alexandre Willaume in Tomb Raider (2018)
The nicest, non-menacing bad guys we’ve ever seen.

And now get Stuckmannized and learn why the original Tomb Raider was soooo much besterer than this new version:

The 2018 Lara Croft hangs by a thread.

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