O@tM: Lazy Editrix Edition :/

Peepels, what were you thinking?

Little Orca is always so eager just to please you, day in, day out, every day, year round, in health and in sickness, even on weekends and on holidays?

Yes, that’s exactly what I’m trying to do here in this little bloggy. 😉 No fear, I won’t change a thing, will not reduce my blogging schedule but am gonna deliver the freshest bullshit straight outta my ass directly into this blog. Only sometimes, you know, sometimes my hectic schedule gets a bit confuzerizered, particularly my moovie watching schedule … and then I just forget about writing a review. Or I just plain don’t wanna. And then from time to time I scramble thru my media platter and try to find out which of the movies on it I haven’t reviewed yet, and I put them all together in a kinda roundhouse kick of quicky reviews.

And so it’ll happen again today. Guess I don’t even have them all, but it’s quite a nice bunch of films and good to get rid of ’em with a swift karate chop.

Welcome to Orca @ the Neglected Movies:

5element
An oldie but a goody?

In the twenty-third century, the universe is threatened by evil. The only hope for mankind is the Fifth Element, who comes to Earth every five thousand years to protect the humans with four stones of the four elements: fire, water, Earth and air. A Mondoshawan spacecraft is bringing The Fifth Element back to Earth but it is destroyed by the evil Mangalores. However, a team of scientists use the DNA of the remains of the Fifth Element to rebuild the perfect being called Leeloo. She escapes from the laboratory and stumbles upon the taxi driver and former elite commando Major Korben Dallas that helps her to escape from the police. Leeloo tells him that she must meet Father Vito Cornelius to accomplish her mission. Meanwhile, the Evil uses the greedy and cruel Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg and a team of mercenary Mangalores to retrieve the stones and avoid the protection of Leeloo. But the skilled Korben Dallas has fallen in love with Leeloo and decides to help her to retrieve the stones.

IMDb: 7.7

When The Fifth Element Came out in 1997, I was first relatively enchanted and enthusiastic about Luc Besson’s visionary power as a filmmaker. Nowadays I find the whole film just a giant colourful spectacle, rather silly … and not much more. In fact whe we ust re-watched it, 5E even irritated me a little. God, did I grow up to be a boring adult in the last 20 years? 😮 Shiiit. But so is the movie. 😦

 

Cloverfield
Nice try, Netflix. 🙂

In the near future, there is an energy crisis on Earth. The Cloverfield Station with a multinational crew will test the Shepard particle accelerator expecting to generate energy for all countries solving the energy problem. However, the experiment goes wrong, damages the station and opens a portal to another dimension with a parallel Earth. They also find a woman entwined with wires behind a bulkhead of the station and they learn she worked in an identical Cloverfield Station in another dimension. Now the scientists need to find a way to return to their own dimension.

IMDb: 5.6

Dear Netflix and Hollywod execs;

do you think we are stupid? Nobody takes the Cloverfeld moniker serious anymore, nobody will watch a movie just because there is a badly constructed connection to the first Cloverfield movie. A movie will not get better or worse just because it has Cloverfield in its title; it must stand on its own. Fortunately the last installment, 10 Cloverfield Lane, managed to bridge the gap, and was formidably acted but a bit boring with a very disappointing finale. And in The Coverfield Paradox you aren’t even trying to fool us anymore. It’s somehow like American foreign politics in the middle east. All so forseeable, so predicatable, smoke and mirrors, and badly executed. In the end it was an ok-ish scifi flick, which we had forgotten 5 minutes after the end credits rolled.

Please don’t do that again. Hollywood is better off without any further Cloverfield flicks.

 

salt
Who cares?

Evelyn Salt is a CIA agent and highly respected by all, including her boss, Ted Winter. Out of the blue, a Russian spy walks into their offices and offers a vital piece of information: the President of Russia will be assassinated during his forthcoming visit to New York City to attend the funeral of the recently deceased U.S. Vice President. The name of the assassin: Evelyn Salt. Concerned about the safety of her husband, who she cannot contact, she goes on the run. Winter refuses to accept that she is a mole or a double agent but her actions begin to raise doubts. Just who is Evelyn Salt and what is she planning?

IMDb: 6.4

OMG, what a terrible, terrible movie! 😦 Badly misdirected patriotism drips out of every pore of Salt. It is a bit like the screenwriters and producers were too bored with the relative worldpeace of the 90s and hardly couldn’t wait to make a very spiteful movie now that the politics have identified Russia as a much needed enemy again. I mean, how dare them Russkies having no money trouble and fighting ISIS actively and successful. That can not stand! Now it’s time for some real propaganda!!! Good times for business and Hollywood after a too long period of forcefully wellbehaved movies. PROFIT!!!

Fuk that shit. Salt was oversalted and not fit for human consumption. 😦

 

Orient
Nothing new on the Train.

Hercule Poirot, the best detective in the world decides to leave on the Orient Express. The train accidentally gets stopped because of a small avalanche. Little did he know that a murder was planned and that a person on this train was able of committing such crime. Will he solve this murder before the train starts working again?

IMDb: 6.6

Yes, it was better made than its 1974 predecessor of the same title, and same as the first one it was star studded. And it was obviously a gazillion times more expensive. And the acting was pretty ok. Buuut was that really necessary? Not only did the 1974 version get a better ranking (7.3), the old Agatha Christie story holds no surprises for anyone anymore. Or did they expect Christie’s stories disappeared miraculously from the public domain, which is the memory of our species? Or that we, the stupid audience, expected a different outcome this time around?

Sometimes I wanna put all movie industry execs in a big paperbag and hit on it repeatedly with a cricket bat. No matter who you hit, it’s always the right one. This wasn’t as half as enjoyable as … oh, I didn’t expect anything. And they still stayed below that. :/

 

smith
Brangelina – the Movie!

John and Jane Smith are a normal married couple, living a normal life in a normal suburb, working normal jobs…well, if you can call secretly being assassins “normal”. But neither Jane nor John knows about their spouse’s secret, until they are surprised to find each other as targets! But on their quest to kill each other, they learn a lot more about each other than they ever did in five (or six) years of marriage.

IMDb: 6.5

My hubby was bored and downloaded this old 2005 plonker for us to enjoy. I know why: Like every male in the western hemisphere he has a hard-on for Angelina. Particularly for the Angelina of over 20 years ago. And, come on ladies, let’s admit it, she was a damn fine broad and had some talent as actress as well. Unfortunately I was never particularly fond of Brad Pitt as he always made the impression of an underwear model rather than a real actor/man. Well, times have changed and this stupidly funny action flick is still nothing special but also soo much better than most of today’s movies.

See, Hollywood, how easy it is to crank out averagely good movies? Why can’t you do it anymore?

 

LoganLucky
Huh?

When Jimmy Logan (Channing Tatum) gets fired, he convinces his brother Clyde (Adam Driver) and sister Mellie (Riley Keough) to help him rob the Charlotte Motor Speedway during a NASCAR Race. But they will need the help of Joe Bang (Daniel Craig), a convicted safe-cracker who is currently doing time. All they have to do is break Joe out, blow the racetrack vault, get away with the cash, return Joe to prison, and get Jimmy to his daughter’s beauty pageant on time. What could possibly go wrong? Well, there is the Logan family curse.

IMDb:7.1

Honestly, I swear to god, I can’t remember this flick at all! 😮 I guess it was action packed, dramatic, funny, witty, with some unpredictable plot twists, sexy, fast and furious … or neither of those. But the fact that I can’t remember a single thing about Logan Lucky tells us something about this movie’s quality, does it not?

That or I’m a shitty audience. 😦

 

jumanji
Solid as a Rock!

In a brand new Jumanji adventure, four high school kids discover an old video game console and are drawn into the game’s jungle setting, literally becoming the adult avatars they chose. What they discover is that you don’t just play Jumanji – you must survive it. To beat the game and return to the real world, they’ll have to go on the most dangerous adventure of their lives, discover what Alan Parrish left 20 years ago, and change the way they think about themselves – or they’ll be stuck in the game forever, to be played by others without break.

IMDb: 7.1

All I remember about the first Jumanji movie is that I didn’t like it. It was too … not boring but something about it disturbed me. Oh yes, it wasn’t funny! Not at all. Which is always bad for a comedy. It was supposed to be a comedy, no? Well, anyway, the 2017 version leaves no questions open about what it is: Pure comedy gold! A through and through enjoyable flick with an astonishingly good Dwayne Johnson. This was my first time with The Rock and I obviously always misunderestimated that guy. Not that the material demanded Academy Award level acting, but he did really good. So did the rest of the cast, even Joe Black did well as a self-centered high school hottie caught in the body of a … well, of Joe Black.

Quirky, fast paced, amusing. Well done, people, well done.

 

Okay, I’m sure there are some more movies hidden somewhere on our hard drive that I haven’t found today. I’m also sure they will surface and there will always be more movies falling through the cracks. You’ll find out in my next Roundhouse Kick edition.

 

 

 

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