O@tM: Blade Runner 2049 + Bright

Mornin’ guys, hope you’re ready for a weird Orcareview at 6 o’clock in the morning. It’s not a review about one movie  but neither one of my infamous mass killings of 5, 6, 7 or even more movie. And the movies in question aren’t even related by anything other than I’ve just watched them in the last couple days.

Ready? Thank you, I feel I need this to get up to date with my reviews … and to fire up my synapses for the day.

Okay, here come candidate #1 …

Worst fears and high expectations were both missed

Thirty years after the events of the first film, a new blade runner, LAPD Officer K (Ryan Gosling), unearths a long-buried secret that has the potential to plunge what’s left of society into chaos. K’s discovery leads him on a quest to find Rick Deckard (Harrison Ford), a former LAPD blade runner who has been missing for 30 years.

IMDb: 8.3

Familiar aethetic is somehow familiar, isn’t it?

Like everybody I was worried about BR2049 would turn out just a moneygrab by the studio in the worst case, some cheapo reboot of the BR franchise at best. But no, director wunderkind Denis Villeneuf (Dennis Willynoof in American English) won’t have any of that but make a good thoughtful sequel movie from the old Blade Runner topic.

We’re out of the badlands and in the city now, wich means a change of palette to warm orange.

To be specifically clear now: The original Blade Runner (1982) wasn’t a high grossing film at its time, it was a tiring schlepp that only slowly revealed its potential over time and became the cult classic only in the veeery long run.

These people aren’t evil, we don’t even know if they are people at all. It doesn’t seem to matter.

Of course BR was visually inspiring … and inspired a lot of other movies with its near-future aesthetic, my beloved Ghost in the Shell (1995) anime movie as a very prominent example.

Colour palette for outside of the city is a bone chiling cold grey.

Well, monsieur Villeneuve, built on this and spun it like 30 years into the future. The world is just a  bit more dirty and kaputt and poor and, ugh, just read the opening crawler and you’re up to speed. In any way BR2049 is a believable continuation of its predecessor.

Gosling’s one and only facial expression: As empty as his character.

Let’s not talk about actors now, they all did good with the little they got to work on. You see already, BR2049 is a rather quiet film, a film that requires the actors to act with their eyes and their actions rather than through lots of mono- and dialogues.

Cue the soundtrack of “Going up the country”. LOL

This is nice on one hand, a killer on the other. Fitting its sparse aethetic BR2049 turned out to be a bone chilling cold movie. We couldn’t get warm with any of the stoic characters. Because why?

Oh, she’s evil, no doubt about that.

Because BR2049 was all exposition but had not much of a story to tell. The little bit of plot was very very thin and even missed the character building part. Which shouldn’t be a problem since nearly all of the personell was replicants, artificial ghosts in human shells. Sounds familiar in an eerie way, doesn’t it? And what story, what kind of character can you expect from the new sort of replicants that are, like, conditioned to follow orders and don’t ask questions?

Everything is more smoggy and dirty than in BR1982.

But be assured, Ryan Gosling sucessfully portrayed this kind of emotionally supressed being. Very good. But not helping the movie, not helpful for the audience. 😦 And why a movie with a story that could have been told inside of 10 minutes would come with a runtime of 164 minutes, simply is beyond my grasp.

Bone chilingly cold landscapes.

Of course there is Villeneuve’s cinematography, his wordbuilding, his palette, all these things that make you wanna drown in BR2049’s imagery. But it won’t help the film growing, achieving more than just a nod; yes, you can make an ok sequel to the original without appearing like a product of some Hollywood committee. But is that enough to make a good movie?

3D holograms of nekkid whores we know from …

That’s it. That’s all there is to say about BR2049. Honestly, hubby and me were a bit bored.

Inside Harrrison Ford’s humble abode.

CONCLUSION: Nice try, Denis, nice try. We know you’re a good one; can you, please, get back to making original films now?

And replicants of whores.

WATCH IT? Of course. It’s a great spectacle. But don’t expect to get anything different out of it.

Oh yes, he was in it as well.


What we’ve also watched just last night was Bright. Listen guys, same as the some or other award thingamajig jury I’m, not quite sure if one can count Original Netflix productions as real movies. No idea if Bright is ever coming to the big screen or not. And I guess it doesn’t matter much anyway, as long as a movie ain’t shown in 3D, 4D or SuperDuper iMax movie theaters are dieing. It’s not for the least part their own selfmade problem. The ear-pinching super loudness and the overly aggressive ACs in cinemas, plus overly long waiting times and long advertisement reels and racketeering prices for snacks are driving audiences away rather than luring them into the cinema.

So, like it or not, formats like Netflix and that Amazon thing are the future. We’re watching all the new movies and series from the relative comforts of our homes, at any time we like, rather than hurrying out to the mall, searching for parking bays, standing in line at the box office and the snackbar and … ugh, you know.

Okay, on with the show:

Yes, it is he, Wilhem Schmidt of crappy movies fame

In Los Angeles, humans live with orcs and elves in a world where fantasy creatures do exist. LAPD police officer Dayl Ward is the first human cop having the orc police officer Nick Jakoby as a partner. When Ward is shot by an orc and Jakoby does not capture the shooter, he questions whether Jakoby lets the fellow orc escape. During a patrol, Ward and Jakoby arrest a man that tells that there is a prophecy and Ward is blessed. Meanwhile, Internal Affairs press Ward to find the truth about the escape of the shooter so that they can fire Jakoby. The magic department of the FBI interrogates the man that belongs to the terrorist Shield of Light group which protects brights so that they can prepare for the return of the Dark Lord that will destroy the world. Ward and Jakoby are summoned to attend a disturbance and they stumble upon a Shield of Light safe-house where they arrest the elf Tikka and bag her magic wand. Soon they learn that Tikka is hunted down by the evil and powerful rogue elf…

IMDb: 6.5

Bad elves, bad elves, whatya gonna do …

Oh, we know the concept of Bright, do we? Ignoring all the otherworldish, parallel universe Tolkien-ish fantasy stuff – which is already exciting in and by itself – we have the good oldfashioned buddy film. These movies take their powers from pairing up an unequal couple, which often makes for hilarious situations or whole plot vehicles.

This is how buddy action should look like … but it doesn’t work in Bright.

If McSwain and Osborne, Tarzan and Jane, Cates and Hammond, Riggs and Murtaugh, or Lowrey and Burnett, or even Deunan and Briareos, these kind of flicks almost always guarantee good return of investment for the producing studio. Because they are appealing to nearly all audiences. There is a lot of potential in these setups. Reluctant partners, hate, love, jokes, political incorrectness, lots of quibble, all the stuff good actors can bring to good use if … yes, if the screenplay and the director does allow it. If the actors as well as the screenplay create that special chemistry between them.

The FBI’s Magic Department. No joke.

Unfortunately Bright won’t have it! Won’t have any of that. Dunno who decided to turn Bright into such an irredeemable chaos of wrongness, why there was not a single adult person on set with a modicum of professionalism. Nobody who could at least push that movie in any kind of direction. As we know the buddy genre is wide open for all sorts of plots and genres. But no! We are Netflix, we shit on all the old wisdoms, we know better, we know best!

Where’s your magic wand, little Tikka? It’s not in Smith’s pants. I can tell you already.

I mean Bright had Will Smith and Noomi Rapace and an overall great cast, who all did well. I really liked how Smith didn’t pull the A-lister card here but played his part like a good soldier, almost disappearing behind  his character. Or maybe it was the very pale and boring character the really really weak script offered him.

Whoa! Calm down, tough guy.

Or, maybe even more important it was the director David Ayer. Yes, the same guy who already ruined Suicide Squad. Oh, and let’s not forget the screenplay by Max Landis, the most self-important arrogant prick imaginable. He even made a YouTube video, defending all the shitty things Hollywood did to GitS. What a swine! 😮 He ruins scripts on purpose, just to prove that’s how Hollywood ticks, that’s how pros do it! Won’t help neither the product nor the audience, and in the end would hurt the profit as well. Honestly now, if you were the responsible studio exec or producer or whatever mighty suit, would you let some spoiled millenial brat, such as Landis, write your next avised hit-show and turn it into a shitshow?

Smith as we all know and love him from Bad Boys. Only less funny. 😦 Edgerton as a weak ersatz-Martin Lawrence. Blame the bad script.

So, yes, Bright was lacking all the proven, workable, entertaining things a good movie should have. It was neither a comedy nor a thriller. And where was the always satisfying quibble between the buddies? And the action … whoa! All over the place, confused and confusing shit with some of the worst editing I’ve ever seen. Even the final Resident Evil had better action scenes. And those were already, like, super bad on a new low low sublevel.

Noomi Rapace looks like an elf but is a terrible bitch. 😮

Added all these things made for a fukn trainwreck. Granted, a mildly  entertaining one … but an overall disappoining trainwreck nevertheless. As we’ve established by now, the concept of Bright has real potential. It’s clever and wide open in all directions. So, wtf, why did Netflix hire a buncha fukn amateurs to ruin it for them and us and everybody?

Another elf-bishie. But with better hair.

CONCLUSION: A fukn mess. Watchable, yes; mildly entertaining, yes; but still a wasteful mess. Made without any skill or sense of the concept. A messy waste!

IA should stand for Imperturbable Arrogance but is just having an Internal Affair with Will Smith.

Watch it? You can, yes. But please have some good buddies around (it’s a buddy flick afterall) and some crates of beer (to drown your disappointment in) and a lot of salted popcorn (to explain all your salty tears).

Orcs are the new niggas. “b00m muthafucka, you ded!”


Okay, that was two movies in one O@tM. One real movie, a supposed masterpiece and one cheapo b-movie-ish shitshow. I’ve decided to get rid of them both in one go since I didn’t think I had much to write about any of it. I was obviously wrong, since both of them would’ve been worthy of getting their own dedicated O@tM treatment. But this ranty kinda review is how it turned out. I can live with the reslut and find lots of some reasons why it is even great. Max Landis ain’t the only abrasive clever idiot around, you know. 😉

But I promise to deliver better thought out and planned movie reviews from now on.

Hoping to stay a mostly good little editrix, and in your favour

Laterz peeps




    • 1) POTTY!!!!! xoxoxoxx /me jumps at Porter, both of us toppling over and landing in a sexbed. 😉
      2) Thank you for agreeing with me, hun. See, I’m not soooo stupid afterall.
      3) First time … really?
      4) REALLY???
      5) Aren’t my movie reviews not always spot on and very original content?
      6) Love your hair. 🙂 It’s darling.


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