No O@tM: Star Wars – The Last Fuck

TLJposter
The should’ve named it “The Last Star Wars Movie”.

Ok, listen up gang, I’ve decided not to honour The Last Jedi with its own O@tM! In the last few days, and browsing the whole YouTubeNet I’ve totally changed my mind about this fukn farce of a Star Wars movie. Let me say that again: A Star Wars Movie! A real movie, a full fledged Episode #8, part of the third trilogy of this epic saga!

Those stares!!!

This wasn’t merely a Star Wars Story, like Rogue One, or a sideshow like Star Wars Rebels but an actual continuation, a joining element between the two other movies of this trilogy, a part of The Saga! And OMG, did they fuk it up! For good. Actually Rogue One made a real effort and fitted pretty suitingly into the original lore, as it happened only briefly before the fantastic and original Episode 4: A New Hope, started the whole Star Wars hype once and for all. Yes, Rogue One was more canon than Epis 7 and 8 thrown together.

No jedi powers needed to feel it’s actually raining off the coast of Scotland.

Shame, shame, shame! Shame on JJ Abrams and shame on Rian Johnson, who both didn’t understand the core value of Star Wars. And most of the shame on fukn Disney and their Lucasfilm president Kathleen Kennedy for being too cold hearted and feminazi to understand the SW profits are mainly generated from Male nerds! And for a good part also on George Lucas for selling off his franchise in the first place. Are all these people caught in a permanent drug orgy or what?

Five minutes of practice make Mary Sue a perfect jedi mistress! Instant gratification Olé!

So instead of me getting angry and deconstruct TLJ point by friggin point for you, and probably forgetting half of the most important points (there was just too much shitty stuff going on in that flick), I’ll go directly into the reviews section of my O@tM. I can do that without breaking the mold, without destroying the usual setup and character of my column, since this ain’t a regular O@tM. Hehe, see, I’m putting more thoughtwork in my stupid blog than the highly paid Hollywoodians into one of their biggest cash cows. Those fecks. 😦

Survived how? Doesn’t matter, Phasma is soon to be deaded.

Basically I have sought out a couple video reviews for you. The first video is by an angry guy who takes us by the hand and goes through the movie, point by miserable point and shows us exactly what’s wrong with it and why it sucks so terribly:

Are we shocked now, having enough bad energy accumulated? Ok, time for a bit more humorous – but still deadly – spoof on a meeting where the screenwriter tries to sell his ideas to an Disney exec. This shit is actually really funny if it wasn’t about such a badbad film:

And another angry guy who shows his disappointment for a full half hour:

Not angry enough yet? Can stand some more SW destroying?

Yes, same as this guy I really, like for realsies, liked watching TLJ while I was in the theater … while it lasted. But same as a sugar high, the effect wore off pretty quickly and in hindsight I must say I was getting angry at this shitshow already before we got to the van.

Finn knows how to fly … since when?

After having seen those vids you don’t need anymore infos about The Last Jedi so I’ll stop now. I guess it’s save now to say TLJ was not only the most pretty SW movie ever but also the wurstest.

Totally inconsistant.

Was it epic? Yeah, lots! Was it cool? You wouldn’t believe how freezing cool it was. Was it grand cinema? Among the grandest I’ve ever seen. But that was all on the surface, on the instant gratification level. TLJ left me feeling hollow and unsatisfied. And on more than just one level. TLJ is a through and through rotten movie product!

Incompetent hysterical bitch.

 

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