O@tM: The Dark Tower

Whoa! Orca’s a quickie girl. The Dark Tower just appeared in the international piracy scene, like, yesterday (at least the official Blu-Ray version) … and today you can already read Orca’s review. Cool, eh?

What was that?

The last Gunslinger, Roland Deschain, has been locked in an eternal battle with Walter O’Dim, also known as the Man in Black, determined to prevent him from toppling the Dark Tower, which holds the universe together. With the fate of the worlds at stake, good and evil will collide in the ultimate battle as only Roland can defend the Tower from the Man in Black.

IMDb: 5.9

Tomatometer: Critics 16%, Audience 51%

The Dark Tower Movie Official Trailer Release Date | HD ...

Are you as confuserizered as Orca is? Okay, good, then let’s view this movie as what it is, a … pfff … a childrens movie, a literature adaptation gone wrong, a non-exciting action movie, a mumbojumbo of unexpressed ideas, a lost chance … a trainwreck.

The Dark Tower - Euroscoop Maastricht

Did TDT have to be a trainwreck? I mean, just to stay in the tradidtion of countless other bad movies made from Stephen King novels, one could argue, yes, TDT was bound to be a catastrophe, it just had to be bad. Really?

TV and Movie News | 2017 | April | 28

No, I guess the disaster could have easily been avoided. With more careful planning and a much better screenplay, less excitement and more time on their hands the director, producers and crew could have made a fantastic movie … or series.

The Dark Tower Screenshot 8

Yes, I guess that would’ve been the most preferable way of presentation: A TV mini series. From what I know Stephen King has written roundabout 48 milion Dark Tower novels, so packing them all up into a tiny 90 minutes paket was a more than stupid decision. And that’s why TDT didn’t find any friends in the Dark Tower books connoiseur crowd. The film was rushed, had literally (see what I did there?) no character development and left audiences in the dark about what the fuk the story was all about.

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Result of that bad planning: We couldn’t give less fux! If Jake (Tom Taylor), Roland (Idris Elba) or Walter (Matthew MacConaughey) lived or died, if the tower falls or not … we didn’t have a reason to get all wound up about any of our main characters.

A Dark Tower TV series featuring Idris Elba is in the ...

We wouldn’t even care if the tower fell. Yes, I know, now in hindsight it would’ve been bad since our whole universe depends on that single dark tower. But why then was it so badly communicated to us? All we see is just a nondescript dark tower some bad people are catapulting with children. That’s brutal and all and pretty groovy, right. But fortunately these scenes are only shown in a wiiide total frame and leave no impact (see what I did there?), neither on us nor on the tower.

‘The Dark Tower’ Movie — Photos – Hollywood Life

So, what about audiences who dunno shit about The Dark Tower novels but only wanna see the film? I just described what hubby and me felt while watching this flick. While it disappointed and enraged the literature buffs, it left us movie fans just speechless. Knowing there is supposedly a much bigger universe of millions of novels behind The Dark Tower we just kept wondering why it was all pressed into such a short runtime of merely 95 minutes. So for us non-bookish folk it was as unsatisfying as it was for the bookworms.

The Dark Tower trailer pits badass Gunslinger Idris Elba ...

Ok, now for the rest, the must-do portions of my review. Starting with the actors, heavy weights MacConaughey and Elba were ok-ish. Not breathtakingly good but they did what little the screenplay gave them. As so often, it was the newcomer who really was the star of the show: Tom Taylor gave a well-rounded, facette rich performance and the supporting cast played well above their pay-grade as well. Katheryn Winnick (Vikings’ Lagertha) as Jake’s mom, Claudia Kim (of Marco Polo fame), and Abbey Lee (Mad Max Fury Road) filled their small parts with life and adrenaline.

The Dark Tower (2017) Pictures, Photo, Image and Movie Stills

Production value was very high, and the CGI thankfully totally in service of the confuse story without playing itself into the foreground. Direction, lighting and camera were on a very high level. The whole thing felt like it was let down by a mediocre at best screenplay. A-movie effort and luxuriousness for a C-movie. 😦

The Dark Tower Screenshot 1

CONCLUSION: Come on! Didn’t I just tell you? TDT is just another project that failed its own and audiences expectations.

The Dark Tower Screenshot 7

WATCH IT? No. If you’re a fan of Kings’s Dark Tower series you’re in  for a huge disappointment. And if you just wanna watch a movie … well, you’re not any better off.


What does YouTube say?

“… one of the most poorly written and directed films I ever …”

“Dull, boring at times …”

“They should’ve tried making a great film.”

“Not a total bushfire but also not a coherent movie.”

“Generic boring action flick.”

“Don’t piss off the hardcore fans. Don’t piss off the demographic.”



  1. non-exciting action movie – that’s a pretty good characerization.

    Totally agreed about no character development – and the awful thing is, they did reshoots to flesh out the Idris Elba character. This is the new and improved product! And it’s still this bad. Just imagine how the first version must have been.

    Liked by 1 person

    • No! Thanks Jay, but I don’t wanna even re-imagine the new and improved product. :/
      And thx for reading my humble effort in film criticism.


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