The general public is concerned over having Superman on their planet and letting the “Dark Knight” – Batman – pursue the streets of Gotham. While this is happening, a power-phobic Batman tries to attack Superman.,Meanwhile Superman tries to settle on a decision, and Lex Luthor, the criminal mastermind and millionaire, tries to use his own advantages to fight the “Man of Steel”.
Let’s start with some big names of Hollywood, so we are rightfully impressed right away and know we’re not dealing with some lightweight B-movie here: Ben Affleck, Henry Cavill, Jesse Eisenberg, Diane Lane, Amy Adams, Laurence Fishburne, Jeremy Irons and Holly Hunter, directed by Zack Snyder, executive co-produced by Christopher Nolan … that is surely gonna be a great great movie, right? One of those very few really good films coming out of America’s dream factory … Fuck it was!
Sorry to say but BvS was a regular snorefest. A very well done, beautifully (albeit a bit dark) photographed and lightened borer of an overly long, whiney, dramawhore-ish, content-bereft special effects waste of money and talent. Ok, I have to admit, what I just watched was an extended 3 hours edition but the original cinematic version was also like 2:30 hours in duration and much too long for such an overly simple non-story. All pretense, no delivery.
The whole boring and uninteresting story wasn’t even coherently told throughout the movie, which adds to my confusion. How a script dealing with such a childish narrative can make it so fukn complicated to follow, is simply beyond me. One explanation could be there was somebody trying to hide the fact that they indeed had no story to tell so they blew it up with a lot of pretense. But, there is a lesson to be learned here, H-wood: A lot of confusing cuts and back n forth jumps don’t make a good drama. Just a boring one.
And as it is so often the case lately, you can’t blame a single of the involved persons for this trainwreck. It was the screenplay and the studio execs who again fucked up majorly. The whole idea of the plot is laughable and highly irrational. If you wanna step up the game of super heroes fighting against each other and bring in questions of Superman = God?, we, the audience demand those questions to be dealt with on a bit more mature and philosophical level. But the movie hardly touched the subject at its very heart but also left us stuck with the question.
And if you wanna give any of our two main characters, Supi and Batty, a motive strong enough to beat up the other guy, it better be good. But as hard as I looked at BvS, I failed to find even a weak motivation for either. If anybody would be able to rile one of those guys up to get against the other it would be our bad old villain Lex Luthor, right? Ok, maybe I’m just too stupid but Lex, the way he was acted by J. Eisenberg, was just a bumbling idiot with stupid manierisms who wouldn’t be able to convince me it was raining if I was drowning in a puddle.
Yes, logic and natural human reactions were far out the window in this movie dramatically. So, what was good, what stuck out as positive? The actors. Yeah, some good acting, particularly by the two leading female roles of Supi’s mom (Diane Lane) and Supi’s GF Lois Lane (Amy Adams) who both acted their hearts out, while Affleck and Cavill seemd to be stuck in a statue contest. It was like watching untalented actors practicing “The Stare” with both of them. Rest of the cast was sadly underutilized and acting on autopilot most of them.
The action … what about the action? Of course a monumental work like BvS demands also Super action. But, ugh, my friends, it was so sad. Not only played a majority of action scenes in twilight it was also to a big portion computer generated. And it was edited very fast, so there was nothing to see, really. No impact of any fists or bullets or scifi rays, just a bunch of flying bodies who crashed into walls n stuff. Obviously this was, like always, done to keep this flick PG-13 … and make it worse in the process.
And, excuse me pleez, what was that fukn golem in the end? The CGI figure Eisenberg built to do dunnowhat. Was that supposed to be a good BOSS for a boss fight? I couldn’t even laugh anymore at that stage but spent all my attention on my cheese sandwich. And another thing: Gal Gadot (Diana Prince/Wonder Woman)? What was the business of this transexual (?) creature in this flick? I mean other than saving the day were Supi and Baty both failed? Or what? She wasn’t even properly introduced to us as Wonder Woman and could’ve been Batgirl or Supergirl all the same.
CONCLUSION: As if the movie title would have given it away already for the thinking, discriminating audiences, BvS was one of those DOA efforts of modern Hollywood to squeeze the last bit of profit out of a lifeless movie franchise. And the desperation was visible in every single frame. I caught myself repeatedly looking at the runtime and wondering how much longer I had to watch this shit. Indeed I needed two attempts to observe this slow moving trainwreck from beginning to end. Started last week already but couldn’t work up the nerve to do it again. Until just nownow.
WATCH IT: No. But if you have to I suggest you surround yourself with a bunch of loud friends and lots of alcohol. LOTS of alcohol!
WHAT DO THE PROFESSIONALS THINK:
Pheeew lucky me, the great Mark Kermode feels the same as me. Believe me, I didn’t see any review or anything about BvS before I sat down to write this, so it’s really a rewarding feeling. 😉