You know Orca’s love/hate relationship with the Apple company and their Mac computers. As much as I hate Apple for their arrogance and deceit of the customers, so much I respect and even adore some of the products and ingenuity. Ok, with that out of the way we gotta state that Apple didn’t do too well with their Mac computer products in the last couple years. As shitty shit like the iPhone and the iPad are clearly their main focus now the Macs became like the poor cousins and had to take the backseat in the Apple product lineup.

Yes, of course they still look great and are nicely assembled and engineered but the specs are seriously behind those of most other computer manufacturers, the engineering – as tidy and clever as it might be – doesn’t even allow upgrading, and the pricing … omg, let’s not even go there.

So what’s new in 2016? The MacBook became a little bit faster (but just a little bit) and even lighter (yawn) apart from that not much is new. The port situation probably went even worse and a modern MacBook looks more and more like a fashion accessoire, not like a tool for serious computing. Not even Apple’s MacBook Pros are cutting it anymore. If I really want a powerful laptop for professional work I look elsewhere.

If it didn’t become clear enough in the last couple years, nowadays Apple unashamedly makes computer-ish procucts for clueless people who really really hate computers. And don’t even try to do a kiddie-easy task like adding some more gigs of RAM (if you even knew what that is) because your lady purse might explode and you have just voided the warantee. That’s how they roll in Cupertino.

But the worst aspect of the 2016 MacBook is its newly introduced colour of Rose-Gold. 😮

WTF??? See that shit?

As if Pink and Gold weren’t already repulsive enough on their own, now they had to combine them to create the ultimate drag queen of fuglydom, the 2016 MacBook. This is now the final nail in Apple’s coffin, a laptop that looks more like a hooker’s purse than a laptop! It’s too many fugly for poor little Orcsi and her tastebuds. I really wonder who the fukin hell is willing to spend money on an atrocity like a 2016 MacBook in rose-gold.

Aha!!! Here! Found the target group for Apple’s advertising efforts: Whores!

Cosmopolitan is excited about the rose-gold MacBook! »Most importantly, it’s pink!« COSMO!!! fuksake. 😦 It prolly goes indeed well with your new spring wardrobe, no doubt about that. And also tre chic while on business duty, walking the streets. Jeez, maybe they should better stick with their usual fare of articles they are experts on like “25 Super-Cool Unisex  Baby Names” and “What Kind of Mom You’re going to Be Based on Your Zodiac Sign” Yaahaa, this ain’t just for the fashion whores exclusively. Apple and Cosmo cater for all whores from all walks of life.

Anyway, let me ask you this: If you were in the business of producing IT hard-and software, hypothetically speaking, would you get excited to find a raving review of your latest effort not in a geeky techy business magazine but in the most infamous rag for airheads around the world?

You remember the good old days of weak Motorola procis and the fancy MacOSes of the 8 and 9 generations? The Macintosh Classic and the first 2 generations of iMacs? Yeah, that was cool. We felt like the sultans of cool on our pretty see-through machines which ran much faster and better than Windows even though our hardware was seriously underpowered and outclassed by the Intel stuff of the PCs. MacOS was like some friggin rich man’s Linux, years before the first iteration of the Linux kernel came into existence. And we were so individually cool and clever and smart and sexy … you could almost say we were revolutionaries … almost, yeah. These times are gone now and they won’t come back. *sniff :..(

And nowadays? Pfffff, forget it. Individuality has flewn out of the window, following intellect and human rights and free thoughts. Because, as we’ve just learned »Most importantly, it’s pink!«. That’s all the new breed of consumers care about. That and looking as gay as possible while openly condemning gay poeple.

Y’know I’m a really tolerant woman, always in support of gay rights n stuff but in this case I really gotta ask? Apple, are you fukn GAY???

 

Why yes, of course they are!

 

Owww, nooo, this article was planned as a serious piece about the latest MacHardware and turned – without me even noticing – into a rant. 😦