The one where I join the herd.

My idea of binging the whole series in one long, painful sitting, and writing my review afterwards fell flat. Disney will release the episodes in a weekly succession, so I have only watched 2 episodes … and am honestly not looking forward to more.

Remember how I once stated that it’s easy to write a thousand words about something shitty while it’s increasingly hard to write long essays about good stuff, about things that satisfy your expectations and standards? Well Lesley Headland’s Acolyte is soooo bad, so next level atrocious, I’m at a loss for words to describe how awful this series really is.

There are plotholes so big they swallow the whole concept and the whole production in one gulp. Nothing any of the acting dramatis personae does or says makes any sense. Everything that happens happens only because Headland had an idea or thought it’s funny and meets her ideology. There isn’t much that drives the super simple plot forwards, no structure in the 2 aired episodes.

And the chars? We have a weak ass – freshly knighted – jedi to lead the investigation and to arrest the killer. A little 50Kg girl without jedi training who brought down a jedi master! And they send this pretty boy? No master, not a group of jedis? Fuk me. 😐

But no fear, at his side he has a 14 yo girl padawan to boss him around – and always be right where the knight is wrong. And how has a simple jedi knight a padawan? I thought only masters had them. Errrm. Doublefuk me.

And of course our main protagonist goes with them, another headstrong girl with no business in this expedition. But of course she’s coming! She’s the killer’s twin sister you know. And because Leslye Headland wants her to be in that hunting party. Stop asking questions!

Leslye Headland. I find her personally so abrasive. I don’t even wanna think, talk, and even less write about that woman. Only so much: She can’t write for shit, probably has never heard about characterization, story arcs, structure, suspense or any of the basics of storytelling. She runs the show so she don’t care. And the boss level Star Wars bitch, Kathleen Kennedy, who should never ever have been in the position she’s in, hired Leslye Headland and probably stands behind every single one of her bad decisions. 😦

Oh. See, I managed to write some words about this non-starter of a show. I could have made it short and sweet and just wrote: The Acolyte is crap! Don’t watch it, and be done with my task.

But wait, there’s more …

Maybe it’s time to finally write about Women and Star Wars.

It’s not a good pairing.

Girls and women aren’t interested in such a basic father/son drama in the shape and form of a space opera. No way. Not even the fact that we had strong female characters from the first movie onwards, and the other fact that we never had knights in shiny armor, no super heroes but sweaty, hard-suffering guys … and scoundrels, made Star Wars more attractive for them.

And now they are complaining about being under-represented, that the fanbase and the whole franchise is male dominated! So they started a fight against some wrongly perceived patriarchy. What for? To finally get the millions of female SW fans their fair share?

Bullshit! Star Wars ain’t for girls. Do what you want, you’ll never get them to watch your crap and buy your toys. What you achieved, on the other side, is to make the original fanbase leave in horror. Or bored. Or just not entertained enough to stick around.

In any way you’ve lost them! And their money. And your profits!

And we, the poor few female fans, we are 100% on the boys’ side. Maybe we aren’t so much into the gear porn and star ships side of Star Wars but we know what good storytelling is – and what not.

Am I gonna go on watching new Acolyte episodes when they come out?

Yes, at least 3 and 4, when they drop in a couple days. I’ve heard epi 3 will destroy Star Wars for its fans! Dunno how they will make it even more obvious? In the mind of a majority of former fans SW is dead already. Nothing but a twitching corpse. The big thing gonna happen in epi 3 has nothing to do with the mystery of the murder case – there never was any. Case was opened and closed in Epi 1 already.

I hear the big SW destroyer has something to do with The Force itself! Midoclorians are out – some new girly shit is in. Unfortunately not in congruence with anything Force up to now. Thank you Headland, you managed to get rid of the last handful fans. True hardcore fans, the fans that are filling Disney’s almost empty coffers. From what I hear they will leave in droves, leaving you and your boss Kathy alone with the non-existent female fanbase.

Congratz on that huge success, bitches. 😐